Fite Until Death
Click the skull to go to Instagram where these images originally appeared.
October 10th was World Mental Health Day. It also happened to be the six-year anniversary of the day I began taking a hard look at my own mental health in 2018. I say “began” because I believe I’m just now emerging. My mental health journey started long before 2018, though. I don’t recall the date, but I believe my first diagnosis was in the late ‘90s, while I was still in high school.
A year prior to this pivotal shift, in 2017, I posted a one-page comic to Instagram for Inktober. It was one of those moments when the act of creating led to a final result I had not envisioned at the beginning. It laid the groundwork for a significant evolution in my relationship with my own mental health struggles. Actually, looking back on it, this comic probably made the last six years much easier than they might have been. It was in completing these panels that I accepted my struggle with mental health was likely to be with me until I die.
This makes me think of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I’ve only ever heard these stages spoken of in relation to death. It never occurred to me, until just now while writing this, that these stages probably apply to grief, regardless of how it enters our lives.
You’re Wearing A Mask. Done in 2017 with ballpoint pen and Copic marker on copy paper. Colored and inked for this blog post.
Just to be clear, when I talk about death in the context of this post, I’m referring to the death that comes through unavoidable circumstances. Suicide is a tragic and unfortunate outcome. I’m not suggesting we “fight until we just can’t do it anymore;” I’m suggesting we find the purpose to fight beyond those darkest moments.
I’ve experienced my fair share of mental health struggles over the years. I’ve also worked with a variety of therapists and life coaches to figure it all out. I recommend that anyone and everyone, regardless of mental health, work with a therapist or life coach. My experience has shown me that so much can be unlocked.
While it’s been a major part of my life for 30-some-odd years now, I’ve worked not to allow it to define who I am. That’s been, perhaps, the second most difficult aspect of it all. I seem to operate better (or, at least, I think I do) when things are clearly defined. Ambiguity can be a real struggle sometimes. In life, I strive to be as purposeful as I can, which means I’m constantly turning ambiguity into clarity. For graphic design with clients, this is great. For dealing with my own furious mind, it’s a nightmare 🙃. In 2017, it sank in — it doesn’t define me, but it is a part of me. In 2018, the hard work began.
The comic above represents the moment I realized that, to survive this experience, I need to embrace it. Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” I could start asking, “How can I better understand what is happening to me?” It only took me 21 years to realize that 🤦♂️. My mental health and I — in struggle or peace — are woven together.
Family history has been something my mom was always into and it’s something my wife loves to do. Despite that, I don’t know much about the people I come from, beyond my grandparents.
I’ve been wanting to connect with my cultural roots for some time now. My family had some great traditions growing up – a meal of appetizers every Christmas Eve, corned beef and cabbage for my birthday, or family bike rides every Sunday evening in the summertime, to name a few. However, I’ve never felt they were connected to “where I came from,” except for Grandma Glauser’s annual shipment of bratzeli cookies. And for the record, bratzelis are NOT pizzelles!
Side Note: if anyone knows where I can purchase a bratzeli iron that works in the U.S., please let me know!
I acquired this image through Familysearch.com. The numbers represent the number of relatives from that area.
My family primarily comes from England and Switzerland, with a small bit coming from Northern Ireland and another small bit coming from Scotland. Switzerland and England, I knew of. Didn’t know about Ireland and Scotland though until I did a little research for this concept. This is exciting, because I’ve always had an interest in both countries and the cultures they’ve built.
"Fite” is an Irish word. It was difficult to find a definitive pronunciation. The closest I found is foo-i-CHA, a word meaning “woven.” To the best of my knowledge, there is no meaning to the word in English, but if English is your first language, you likely pronounced it as “fight,” which is what I intended. Sometimes things work out that way, and it brings a smile to my face.
I’m a spiritual person. I’m also a religious person. These have always gone hand in hand for me. One aspect of my spiritual beliefs is that life existed before birth and that it continues after death. I can’t express how much comfort this has brought me, even in my lowest moments. This is a major reason why “fite/fight,” or “woven/fight until death,” is so important to me. I suppose it’s a mantra of sorts that I can repeat when I’m low or struggling in any way. The idea that, at some point, all the pain and struggle will be washed away and made right brings a little bit of peace.
You might be thinking that’s an overly optimistic view or wishful thinking. For someone that has thought about death on a regular basis for more than half his life, I don’t care. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, and that’s okay with me. It alleviates a lot of pain knowing that there is more beyond this life’s experience. And it’s brought more positive direction than negative distortion.
Death, like my mental state, has been a major aspect of who I am. I would not have the relationship I have with death without my relationship with mental illness. I would not have my outlook on life without my outlook on death. It is all very cyclical and intertwined.
I created these graphics for myself as a reminder that I am more than my mental state and more than my thoughts of death. Perhaps they might be of help to you as well. If there’s one thing my experience has taught me, it’s that I need to accept every part of myself — my strengths and my weaknesses, the good and the bad. From there, seek understanding. As good people seek good things, good things will be found.
I’ll end with a brief thought from reading Viktor Frankl’s book on his theory of logotherapy, or, “the meaning of human existence as well as on [a person’s] search for such a meaning” (Frankl, 1985, p. 121). He suggests that when we lack meaning in life, we lack drive and will. One may identify their meaning through the creation of a work or providing an act, by experiencing a thing or another person, and “by the attitude [they] take toward unavoidable suffering” (Frankl, 1985, p. 133). It’s worth noting that a person’s meaning, according to Frankl, can change every minute of every day. He implies it would be better for us to think of our meaning in terms of the moment instead of in terms of life (Frankl, 1985, p. 131).
I can’t sit here and believe that all aspects of my mental health are unavoidable. Of course, there are things that I can do to improve my situation, and I’m working at that each day. However, based on all the evidence that has been presented to me, I was born with or had a traumatic experience at some point in life that altered my brain chemistry. Is that curable? Perhaps. Is what you are dealing with curable? Maybe it’s temporary. Maybe it’s here to stay. I’ve learned that this doesn't matter much, because we have a choice to make in this moment. My hope is that we will all find the strength to fight it and fight it until death.
Side Note: James Clear’s Atomic Habits is a great place to start if you are looking to build better habits or put an end to some bad ones. “Getting 1 percent better every day counts for a lot in the long-run" (Clear, 2018, p. 28).
Citations:
Frankl, V. (1985). Man’s Search for Meaning. New York, NY: Pocket Books.
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results. New York, NY: Avery Books.
Disclaimer: As mentioned, my mental health experience has been ongoing for many years. I am not a mental health professional or doctor, and what I’ve written is my opinion based on my experiences. If you feel you are in a situation where you need to talk with someone or need help, please don’t wait. If you suspect someone is struggling, show them love and kindness according to your comfort level.
The suicide and crisis lifeline is 988. If you are in crisis, call this number. This is a recommendation only, and I am not responsible for any conversations or results from your calling the lifeline. Remember that you have value!
As I move forward with these designs, I may expand on them over time or turn them into stickers or enamel pins. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let me know in the comments which designs you’d like to see in physical form!
